Beautifully Human

I'm going to skip all the stuff about how long it has been since my last blog entry.

So here I am again...

"I'm so beautifully human and I'm proud of it..." -Brother Ali

I could sit here and organize my thoughts, edit my composition, and make it sound as if I'm smarter than I may actually be, but I won't. If there's anything that any of you deserve, it's my heart; pure, unadulterated honesty. (I still can't seem to get over how silly this blogging thing feels.)

The last year of my life has brought me the entire spectrum of human emotion. I've suffered loss, I've enjoyed bliss, I've been in physical pain, I've had financial struggles, and I've been in and out of love. I've learned from others and I've learned from my mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes, and I'm okay with that.

After the bicycle tour ended, my life went in a direction that I thought was right for me. I had the support of my friends and family during and after the tour, and that inspired me to continue on the path that I had chosen for myself.  I moved to Colorado from Arizona in search of a new experience; what I thought was the next step in my adventure. It turns out that it was the next step, but it didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I got married to a woman that I thought was right for me. I was wrong. So be it. I could hold on to the immense disappointment and feelings of betrayal and bitterness that followed the dissolution of my marriage, but I won't. I choose not to. As for my reason not to...that thought leads to my personal dichotomy of others versus myself. I feel no greater sense of joy and fulfillment as when I'm enriching the lives of others. I learned at an early age what it meant to give. On the other hand, I understand the importance of taking care of myself and pursuing that which enriches my own life. Perhaps that sounds egotistical and/or selfish. You're welcome to think what you'd like. Really.

Admittedly, I've been self-centered, distracted, unmotivated, and even secluded since I moved back to Arizona in late March. I don't always feel proud of it, but it has been my choice. Those that know me well understand why (I hope). That does NOT mean that I've forgotten about the people I met on the bike tour, or that I don't care about them. I do. To all of you that I shared stories, moments, and experiences with from February to October of 2012: thank you. People tell me that what I did was amazing, challenging, etc...but it is not lost on me that none of it would have meant anything if it weren't for you.

As for this moment, I choose to be grateful for the good people in my life. I love my friends, who often feel more like family than my actual family. If this life has taught me anything, it's that blood isn't that thick, and we are made mostly of water. It's a strange thing to say, I know...but think about it. I've only ever had one blood relative in my life, and that person is my younger brother, Nik. I love him dearly. However, it has been the other people in my life that have influenced me to become the man that I am today. I am proud and I am flawed. I have very little shame, and the scariest thing to me is not being authentic.

My hope is that this rant doesn't make you want to puke. I'm just spilling some guttural build-up that I haven't had a recent opportunity to share with anyone in person. I won't apologize for my words. I understand that may make some people uncomfortable or even resentful toward me, and that's okay. I fully expect reciprocation. As they say, "Don't dish what you can't take" or something to that effect.

I love you all, and I love me. I know I make it difficult to do at times, but so do you...

For now, I'm done. If there is anything you'd like to share with me, please respond. Good, bad, ugly...I'm interested to hear your feelings/thoughts if you would do me the honor of a few minutes of your time and energy.

Final note:
If nothing else, I want people to know and truly understand that life is beautiful. It's difficult and confusing, yes...but it's also simple. Only you can know what makes you happy, but more importantly, only you can choose that happiness. It's not up to anyone else. Nobody owes you anything. Get up, get out, and do something about it...

Sincerely,
Your fellow human,
Zak

-soul of soldier, heart of a scholar-